Hi everyone,

So, it's 11:25 and I am kind of tired now. I feel like my bedtime is moving earlier and earlier. It's kind of depressing seeing my brother go to bed by 11:00 just so he can go to work. I mean, bed is cool and everything, but there is an allure to staying up late that I just am not getting tonight. Since I am tired I probably won't get all my ideas out, so I might add on to this tomorrow. But for now here are some thoughts that are going through my head.

Today was commencement at Denison. I had a great time, and overall I did not get emotional like I thought I would. I guess this is a good thing considering I was sitting next to two people who I never really talked to much when I was at Denison. It was great to receive the diploma and to see all of my friends get their diplomas as well. I thought there were some interesting speeches given today. James Clear spoke on behalf of the student body and likened each of us to the old bell that was rang at the beginning of commencement. I forget his exact message with that metaphor but it was kind of cool when I heard it. Ralph Cicerone, from the National Academy of Sciences, spoke about how we are not locked into life based on our college degrees. He also said we need everyone--not just scientists, but also policymakers, business people, and the like, to help reduce our energy consumption. And President Knobel's charge to our class about the concept of "ubuntu" was kind of weird but it was interesting nonetheless. To me, ubuntu means "community." "I am, therefore you are; you are, therefore I am." Basically he could have said that our charge is to use our education to serve others and not just ourselves.

I've framed my Bachelor of Science degree with a very nice looking frame from the bookstore. I feel so incredibly official that it almost feels like I am posing. But I really am not! I am still trying to get this through my head. I am a college graduate now. Even though I feel like a student, still. Being a student is all I've ever done or ever known.

I am going to live with my brother here temporarily until I get an apartment of my own and a job of my own for this coming year. I will inhabit the other bedroom of the condo in Westerville. I unpacked some of my boxes tonight; boxes full of stuff that I packed earlier today in an effort to get off the hill by 7:00 pm. Tonight, I tried to unpack stuff and get the boxes out of the room so that it's not quite so cluttered. Well, I setup a bookcase and put a lot of my college stuff on the shelves. Let me tell you, this bookcase looks incredibly out of place if it's not in a dorm room. Most home decor post-college does not contain mugs, bottle openers, textbooks or shotglasses. This just looks so out of place. But I don't know how else to put my things back. Maybe it reminds me of Denison.

Well, I haven't written in LiveJournal in a long time. I haven't felt the need to do so. Sure, it would have been nice to be able to re-read about some of the good things that have happened to me this year, but I think I'm okay without those too.

As of now, I only have two more days of classes in my undergraduate career. It feels kind of good, but it also freaks me out. A lot. Lately I've been getting really retrospective and emotional about this place. We are about to become alumni of this "fair college on the hill." I'm excited for what's ahead, and most of the time I can't wait to leave this place. But at the same time I am afraid to give up the college life. Sometimes I feel that I haven't taken advantage of it entirely. The way we can act stupid, drink ourselves silly, be entirely negligent and not have consequences. My friends, the college way is almost gone for all of us.

Three finals are all that are between me and my degree in biochemistry. But I have to say that I have been dealing with problems of feeling inadequate lately. I know that I don't have much room to cry here, because I was recognized with the Chemistry Department's Merck Award which goes to an outstanding pre-med student (with a $100 prize too!) and that I will be graduating cum laude. But I had higher ambitions for myself at the outset of college. I knew I could get that medical school admission offer, that summa cum laude distinction, that Phi Beta Kappa, that Distinguished Leadership Award, that recognition for my four years of work with Habitat for Humanity. While I didn't get any of these things, I know in my heart that it really doesn't matter. Awards don't matter all that much once we're out of here. This is not in any way meant to diminish all the hard work my fellow 2008'ers did to get these recognitions. And I can hardly believe Erin Gorsich was awarded the College's highest President's Medal. I'm so happy for her. Yet part of me wonders, wasn't I that good?

I think I am dwelling on lost opportunities at college. I didn't take advantage of any opportunities my freshman year, even though I enjoyed life as it was in Morrow House. I feel like college has been a whirlwind for me my last two or three years as I sampled dozens of organizations, trying to find my niche, and trying to find things that might make me happy in life. Water polo? Beta Theta Pi? Leadership opportunities? Habitat chair? Surgery internships? Research on the hill? I've done it all. They have made me who I am today. But sometimes I don't feel ready to get out into the world because I want more time to find who I am in terms of extracurricular activities. Because I haven't found something that I am truly passionate about yet. But it will come. I have faith that it will work out. This is why that year off (99% sure I will take one now) between med or grad school will be great for me.

This is going to be a huge transition for all of us. As I said, I am so very excited for the possibilities that are ahead of us. Living in a city and having many more options for me... that will be great. But who will I hang out with? My Beta brothers will still be on the hill. That makes me sad. I love those guys. And how about Brian, Josh, Reyan, and Mike? Ever since I changed my housing plans during the housing lottery last year I've felt a void, and a little guilt. And I feel guilty for not hanging out with those men more this year. I don't want to lose the people I have in my life right now. It took four years of effort to get where I am in my social circles.

I'm also having a hard time giving up my posts. As I transition the Habitat for Humanity chair position to Elayna tomorrow, she will get the huge binder I inherited from Kuda. That binder came into my hands disheveled, unorganized, and full of crumpled papers and post-it notes. It now leaves me in pristine condition. I put lots of time into it to clean it up. Clearly I'm trying to leave some sort of impact on this organization. Same with the Winter Break Trip, which I led to Tupelo, Mississippi in January. This position is going to Katie Buttermore next fall, and I made this folder for her and typed out a letter full of my recommendations. Haha... I just wish things could be done my way even if I'm not there.

There really isn't a point to any of the preceding paragraphs. They just might show the wide range of emotions I'm feeling, as we are about to leave The Hill. But I've been preparing myself for this the entire year, but in particular this semester. Not being on a meal plan, not taking part in the lottery, not seeing my advisor for Fall 2008 registration... the absence of these things have helped me get over Denison. But this place will always have a place in my heart. I'm hoping they are wrong when they say college is the best time of your life, because if that's true then I am going to be depressed over that for a while. You're telling me now that I'm 22 I've already lived my best moments? I hope not.

I miss Dublin... :( One of the guys in my fraternity pledge group is from Hilliard and so once again I miss home. That's all. Back to studying I hope...

^-- Headline on the Entertainment Weekly that is sitting on my desk, for some reason. hehehehe

So I can't find any of my CDs (games, not music) since my parents put them away when they were cleaning the house and they don't know where they put them. I'm going to make another go for it sometime soon in the basement. There's been one too many times at Denison when I had nothing to do (or just wanted to procrastinate) and needed to play something like Warcraft III.

Speaking of Denison, I'm almost ready to go back. I really thought that a month at home would be too long but, surprisingly, it's been pretty good. My dad went to the house site in SC on Wednesday and came back Friday. So during that time I had to pretty much be Mr. Nurse for my mom since she broke her right leg a few weeks ago. It's been stressful. Glad I'm not going into nursing. But seriously, I've used up almost all my patience. But the house is looking pretty good. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm getting excited to see it this summer.

Last night I went to the pool hall and saw some people I hadn't seen in a while. We spent two hours, and it went by so fast, it felt like 45 minutes. And the best part of it was that it didn't smell of smoke anymore! Apparently the manager is finally enforcing the smoking ban in Hilliard. Usually when I leave that place, my clothes smell like smoke rags...but now I don't have to endure that anymore!

Tonight I told someone I would play poker with them, just to see some friends again. I can't believe I said "yes" to Poker. I didn't even ask if it was for money. I hope not... I can't be the resident Huddie, losing money all the time.

(leaving right now to do errands with dad, hopefully I didn't leave anything out since I didn't proofread this.)

Happy New Year! I hope 2006 is better than 2005. That won't be too hard... for me, anyway.

So Brian posted about Seda's house so here's just a little bit more. I got there around 6, only like ten minutes before Simonne, Erin, and Brian. Seda's dad answered the door and looked at me funny, like a "who are you?" type thing. Luckily Seda and Josh saw me from upstairs and told him that I was with them. Seda's parents had a bunch of friends over and I got a hearty welcome...they were probably drunk already. Dinner was awesome at Boneyard, the sports bar we went to. After that there was lots of (admittedly) catchy Turkish music and I reluctantly danced for a little bit. The games we played afterward were fun, like Catchphrase.

So I slept on the floor and it was actually not too bad. Other than I ate way too many cheese puffs and felt like I was going to throw up. So I woke up a few times during the night but my stomach ache got better each time. Brian missed the Turkish breakfast! It was actually pretty good. The worst part was they can TALK forever... we ate breakfast from 12 to 1.

I got home in 2 hours flat and that included a stop for gas. I know I said this when I came home from Simonne's house this summer, but people drive so damn fast on the highways, especially I-71. I have no pics so I have to steal Brian's and Josh's.

Merry Christmas everybody--even though not everyone celebrates it. It's just that sometimes the political correctness pisses me off and I thought it would be cool to be politically incorrect.

My dad is still somewhat religious, much moreso than my mom or myself. But I didn't want him to go to church alone so I went with him. We went on Christmas Eve, and the place was so packed. I never realized how many Christians live around here. It sucks to stand for a whole hour. But I guess overall it wasn't that bad.

Yesterday was cool. After my mom and my brother debated about why Christmas became so commercialized, we then opened presents and self-indulged. Kind of hypocritical! I got clothes, as always, but also a fucking iPod. That is just so sweet. I really could have used it during finals week when I was in the computer labs so much.

Can't wait until New Year's!

Yikes...has it really been this long since I updated? I guess I've been so damn busy this past exam week. I guess it went pretty well for the most part. And it didn't help that my computer monitor broke (I have NO idea how) almost a week ago, so I've been a little out of the loop.

Anyway, kind of tired right now--once I post this I will probably go to facebook, though...haven't been on that site in a while. Everyone's posting photo albums and they are fun to look at. Sometimes I look at random people's pics--shh... don't tell them I'm a stalker!

Dining Hall Dave: It's fucked!

Tonight was meh. My mom fell and broke her leg sometime last week and she needed surgery to repair it. So that was a few days ago, and my dad and I visited her in the hospital. Hopefully she gets discharged tomorrow, that's what we're expecting anyway. I bought a teddy bear from the Big REaD (lol) bookstore and it's wearing a Denison sweater. It's kinda cool.

I think I might be doing research over the coming summer! It'll be with Dr. Specht in the chem department. Her interests are actually more towards biochemistry, but still, the project requires tons of lab work. Actually, to tell you the truth, I don't know what exactly I will be doing for her because she is starting a new project. But it has something to do with studying penicillin binding proteins in Burkholderia cenocepacia bacteria. Awesome. Dr. S. gave me a few things to read over the break so at least I'll start to have an idea of what the hell I'll be doing. At least it has a larger purpose, unlike most other chem research projects (hey! Let's synthesize this just for fun and then analyze them with GC, IR, NMR for fun!)

Needless to say, I'm gonna miss a lot of people over this whole month. You know who you are! It almost feels like I've totally lost contact with everyone in Dublin. Life is more fun in the dorms (yeah, even though Curtis sucks...)

Howdy...so, Thanksgiving was pretty good. We didn't have any company though, just my brother. It's actually kind of sad, because the day before Thanksgiving I learned that no one was traveling to see the grandparents, nor was anyone going to bring them to their home. So the grandparents were alone in St. Louis. I feel bad for that, but there was nothing I could do about it, so I'm not letting that really bother me. Also, my uncle in Rhode Island recently found dozens of relatives (he was adopted) and they went to his house. Only problem is, my aunt and uncle have never cooked a Thanksgiving dinner before--let alone for 16 people. I bet that was fun. LOL

Yeah, today is a work day, I think. But I'm probably gonna watch a movie instead. Watched Million Dollar Baby last night--it was really good. A sad story, but Clint Eastwood directed it with excellence.

For the first time in a long while, I'm not looking forward to going back to school--not yet. Maybe it's just because I haven't been home in so long, or maybe it's because I am starting to get used to my revived sedentary lifestyle. Or maybe it's because I spent the whole break with my parents and no time with old Dublin friends. Oh! That reminds me. I went with my parents to Blockbuster to get a few movies, and I saw TWO people I knew from high school, both with their respective girl/boyfriends. I felt a little pathetic. Whatever. Our time will come when it comes.

So the internet is finally working again. I wanted to update earlier today but it didn't work.

I came home to this lousy computer, as always, and my dad insisted on me installing Norton Antivirus. The problem was that the computer had an old, somewhat botched installation of McAfee VirusScan. Well, he talked me into trying to manually delete the McAfee files (control panel wouldn't do it) and then when I tried to reboot, the computer could only load the wallpaper and the mouse cursor--nothing else. So we spent a good few days fixing the thing. My brother's a smart cookie--I never would have guessed to back up the files I wanted and copy them onto my other hard disk (luckily I have two) and then reinstall Windows. But I did, and damn were there lots of updates!

I went to the doc yesterday because I've been concerned about my month-long cough and I've lost some weight. He didn't seem worried, not really asking me about my past symptoms, and ordered blood tests. I got a call today and he said everything looks OK on the test. And he says just watch it for a few more weeks. Gee, that's somewhat comforting I guess, but I still don't have any answers. I hope I'm just a hypochondriac right now.

Other than that, it's snowing, I'm cold, I've done a little homework, although not as much as I would have liked. I've got an art paper due Tuesday, and more than likely I'll leave it until I get back to Denison on Sunday, or if I'm lucky I'll start it by the end of break. If anyone asks me what I'm thankful for, it'll be that Art is almost over. Cheers!

A lot of people have been getting on my nerves lately. I'm not quite sure what the problem is, but I've been really attuned to people's idiosyncrasies lately. Conversations I have (and overhear) are vapid instead of profound. Everyone seems to just want to "fight" each other. I know I'm not without faults, of course, but lately things have been stressful. I think I just need a break.

So, last weekend was great. Saturday night was Homecoming and my bro Scott came by! I was surprised since he doesn't have too fond memories from Denison. But it was great that we got to hang out. He didn't see very many alumni that he knew from 2001 so that kind of sucked. He then left and went to see a friend who lives in Newark and found out the guy's getting married at Swasey this Saturday. "You should come by." Haha....being a little low-key I see.

Then on Sunday we went to brunch back at home, to good old Tartan Fields. My parents didn't renew their membership to the club since they are moving sometime next year. So it was the last time I get to eat there. A sad moment, but it was a good time still. We met Scott's girlfriend too, finally, since he's been elusive on details about her. I saw my house; people are starting to set it up for listing on the market. I can't believe it's happening so soon. I love my house. I lived there through the end of middle school and all of high school. Ah, shit, what can you do about it...nothin'.

Being sick really sucks. I used to never get sick at all. Must be the dorm-style living that's getting to me.

So yesterday was awesome. Instead of doing homework on Saturday, I went to the bio reserve with Liz and Brian. It felt good to do some walking outdoors. And then we went to a pumpkin farm only like 15 - 20 minutes from Denison and ate fresh cut french fries and kettle corn. We went through a giant corn maze and fed goats. There were so many kids there, and it kind of reminded me of the last time I was at one of these farms. Sure enough I was a kid around the same age. I must have been like 10 years old. Anyway, Brian and Liz bought pumpkins and then later that evening they carved them. Reyan came down and we all had pizza. I watched Rushmore with Mike upstairs, and then came back down and watched the Evil Dead series--such a hilarious horror series. I can definitely see why that's a cult classic. Staying up 'til 3 am is kind of fun. Yet, I must do so sparingly.

We need to do something cool this Halloween weekend, something similar to last weekend. It didn't even involve alcohol :) This weekend though should be fun, because going to dances alone is fun. Favorite quote: I'm going to die alone.

I'll put my mood as happy because I haven't gotten to bed this early in a while.

Just got back from tutoring someone in gen. chem. I've been doing that fairly frequently, which is cool because the more I do it, the more money I get! Anyway, just a random thought before I get to work. This week is National Coming Out Week (or something like that) and I guess Outlook went "chalking" across the quad. Personally I think it's great that they can do that. What bothered me today was seeing all the negative comments that people must have written after the fact; in some sort of way it's desecration of Outlook's message. For instance, on the library steps is a gigantic message that says "A closed mind is a great thing to lose"; some asshole later changed that to "...a great thing to share." "Adam and Steve" became "Adam and Eve." And there's many more examples that I don't remember right now. I just find stuff like this so disrespectful of gay students. So please don't do it. Thanks.

Gumby and Pokey just got a new position. It's pretty sexy. Oh, I need a hair cut.

Sorry Mom. I thought I could start anew at college but it didn't really happen. I'm sorry that no one ever invites me to do anything, anywhere, anytime. I'm sorry that people only "like" me because I might be able to help them in their classes. That's not a real friend. I guess everyone's just better than me, Mom.

Not good to feel depressed when you have an o-chem test in 20 minutes.

Phew... *wipes sweat from his brow* Oh wait, this isn't Warcraft... FUCK.... I miss that game. I haven't played it since this summer when I got super bored from it. I may have to log on in a few months. Only problem is that I'd have to renew my subscription and I don't want to renew just to log on a few times.

Seriously, though, this week has been hectic and will be hectic until it ends. I just finished writing an Asian art exhibition review. I never thought I would be able to bullshit four pages but I did it with little pain. In case you didn't know, there's an art exhibit in Burke Hall until December 11, so visit any time from 1:00 - 4:00 pm to see some Burmese textiles and Kuna molas (textiles from South America). Yea, that's the crap I was writing about.

It feels great when you get an assignment finished, especially if it's a paper. But the hill isn't yet conquered. I need to finish "Portrait" for tomorrow, write a response to it for Friday and revise my screw-up paper for Friday as well. Then a pretty big paper in art for Tuesday. Chem test Monday. Well, enough about my workload, since you don't care and you have your own things to be doing.

Kinda looking forward to parent's weekend, kinda not. I guess it's that time of the year though. My parents are coming for Saturday... the best part is the good food that comes with it. I'm not saying that food is more important than seeing my folks.. lol... I just see them enough as is.

Um, well, back to work I guess.

So while procrastinating my assignment of reading "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man," I stole this from some random girl's Xanga. I thought it was pretty funny.

Kissing.......................26 cal

Taking off her clothes
with her consent.............12 cal
without......................187 cal

Taking off her bra
With two hands..................8 cal
With one hand..................12 cal
With mouth.....................85 cal

Putting on protection
hard .......................... 6 cal
soft..........................315 cal

Foreplay
Looking for target..............8 cal
Finding G spot ................92 cal
I don't fucking care............0 cal

Entry
Holding her....................12 cal
On the floor....................8 cal

Positions
Missionary....................358 cal
Doggy.........................316 cal
69 lying......................286 cal
69 standing...................512 cal
Italian hanger................912 cal (look this one up on Urban Dictionary--hilarious)

Orgasm
Real..........................112 cal
Faking........................315 cal

Afterwards
Lying in Bed...................18 cal
Hop off the bed..................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off....816 cal

Getting dressed
Quiet and calm..................32 cal
Rushing.........................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door...1218 cal
Heard her dad at the door.........1942 cal

So, not much to say right now. But I am taking a break before going back to work. It's raining steadily. I like rain--don't you?

Traveling wasn't as bad as I expected. I flew out to Chicago on Friday and then drove home with the parents on Sunday. We took these back roads instead of interstates because it was supposed to be faster. It turned out to be the same time as taking the interstates but at least we saw some northern Indiana cornfields.

I'd love to get lost in Chicago for a few days. It seems so much cooler than NYC. People seem to be more relaxed, plus it's on Lake Michigan. And there's lots of tall buildings. Actually the airport screener guy was from Chicago and he told me about all the local restaurants. Like I'm gonna remember those, c'mon-- but the thought was there I guess. It was my first time in Chicago, unfortunately on sad pretenses.

I realized on Friday night how long it's been since I've seen some of my cousins. Some of them, 5 years or more. And some of them are actually pretty cool people. I hope we do some sort of cruise or trip we talked about. That would be excellent.

Problem: concert on Thursday, but I realized I work in the help room. I'm gonna try to switch hours with someone. If not, I'll just have to miss work because the ticket was like $30-something.

Here's the 20 things that Brian and Reyan did. I've got to procrastinate somehow! I hate talking about myself but I did it anyway because now we can all be cool together. ;-)

1. I think I caught the cold which has been going around the dorm.
2. This weekend I'm going to Chicago for a memorial service.
3. I originally planned to do this list earlier but then I started surfing facebook.....AGAIN.
4. All my guy friends complain about women but, in reality, they've done more than I have.
5. Liz told me last night of someone who wants to meet me. She's in my art class.
6. I joined club water polo for exercise and to meet some more friends; so far it's helped a little bit in both aspects.
7. I've got 8:30 three days a week; ironically last fall I told myself I'd never again do 8:30 classes.
8. After the 8:30 I've got a three-hour break, while Brian has 7 straight hours of classes. :(
9. It's been so long since I've been to the movies that I don't remember the last movie I saw.
10. This summer I saw a sudoku puzzle in the newspaper and I got into them a little. Yeah, I'm a nerd.
11. I just used my vast knowledge of HTML to link the word "sudoku" to Wiki. It was simple, though.
12. I used to be a webmaster for various websites, including a Ultima Online guild website and a computer script website.
13. One of my ex-best friends from middle school and part way through high school has resorted to constant drug use because "it's the only thing that makes my life worth living." I'm scared for him.
14. It feels weird talking about myself this much. My mom always told me to talk about other things rather than myself.
15. I'm scared about moving to South Carolina.
16. I feel like I still haven't found my place at Denison.
17. Often I feel underappreciated, by friends and strangers alike.
18. I wish my brother and I were closer.
19. The one thing I detest the most about my personality is my shyness.
20. Facebook told Erin that her friend David H (from a different school) has a birthday today--so she thought it was mine. Now Simonne thinks it's my birthday too. April 4th, folks.


There y'all go!!!

The name in the subject title is, apparently, the IUPAC name for dodecahedrane. This really shows some of the stupidity of organic chemistry.

Last night was funny. We went to a porno party in Huffman. Thirty girls in a dark room watching cheesy B- or C-rated porn, and still no shirts came off!!! *Frustrated* I think Mike described the on-screen thrusting as "mechanically putting rivets into steel." I thought that was just hilarious. Anyway, my porn name was Doggy MacKenzie, which is the kind of pet you have plus the street you live on. I'm proud to say Reyan came along so at least we did something together this weekend. Brendan later ditched us without telling us, something that I disapprove of.

Another disappointing experience with Habitat for Humanity this afternoon. We were supposed to go to Newark from noon 'til 4:00 and help with a house there. Ten of us, mostly freshmen, waited outside the security office, where you get the vans, for at least 20 minutes and the van didn't show up. Finally we decided to drive our own cars, because 3 of us had cars. So we finally get to the spot and it turns out they finished working for the day. All the guy was doing was sweeping up sawdust. So we ended up squandering an hour and a half of a nice Saturday afternoon.

I gotta read so much this weekend. I need to start reading after I post this update but chances are that won't quite happen.

Do you ever feel like a class is too easy, but in the back of your mind you're kind of scared of it? Right now I'm doing some homework for Asian Art (weird class but it seems okay). It just seems really easy. Same with my biology class, which has literally no homework ever. I never know what is important in these classes. Sooner or later it's gonna bite me in the ass.

Modernist fiction. So far, the bane of my existence. I am still interested in it, but it just seems really hard. I really feel like a putz in that class, compared to everyone else who has insightful comments to lend. Yes, folks, english is more difficult than ORGANIC CHEMISTRY for me.

So, Reyan has some pretty incriminating pictures and videos of me Friday night. Keep them for your own enjoyment if you so wish, but I'd appreciate if you didn't spread them out across the entire Denison campus. Thanks. Speaking of weekends, we gotta *go* somewhere and *do* something. Maybe Friday evening (because B's birthday is Saturday and you know what that means).

Do you remember the moment four years ago today when New York City fell into chaos? Where were you and what were you doing? I was in algebra class and Mrs. Barr was reading an e-mail and she downplayed it so much. "It seems that a plane flew into the World Trade Center," or something close to that. Hell, I didn't even know what the WTC was back then, so I had no idea of the magnitude of its consequence. My next class was art and we just watched the TV the whole class. Well, we watched TV for the rest of the day, actually. Time is a weird thing sometimes...9/11/01 seems like yesterday and ancient history at the same time.